I Will Not Be Raped By Robots

Precisously Incredible Act of Genius by Lauren #1

Tonight, at a quaint local cafe named Perkins, Lauren amazed us with her genius.  As I was reviewing a list of pies, Lauren pointed to the Reeses Peanut Butter Pie & exclaimed "Rawrl!".

Some background, because you are most likely too low brow & bourgeois to understand the significance of Lauren's comment.  Earlier that day, Lauren & I were watching a 5 hour German documentary on the migration patterns of early Mongolian herders in the 3rd century.  The program detailed the linguistic patterns & how the vocabulary differences between various tribes.  One word in particular was 'rawrl', which loosely translates in 3rd century Quaha'ki'poouka tribal tounge meaning 'pastry dish filled with butter of the nuts from Greater Oshkoor sweetened with the groundling gourds prepared by the monk known as Reece'.

You just had to be there, I was awe struck at her ability to construct rudimentary grunts & howls into an elaborate oral meaning to indicate she was interested in that particular pie.

Controversial Children TV Show Episodes

Backyardigans 

The gang is uncomfortable during an episode when Austin greets Tyrone by saying "What is up my n***a!"  The gang is uncertain how to address Austin, as he does not appear to recognize this racially insensitive comment until Uniqua addresses him.  Austin defends himself by suggesting that because he grew up (prior to the current neighborhood) in "tha hood" & that he was practically Black.  Tasha suggests that just because other Blacks used the word around him, that doesn't mean he should have the right and additionally despite being poor he could never fully understand what it is to be Black.  Later in the episode Austin attempts to diffuse the situation by conferencing with the Rev. Jessie Jackson and is pardoned for his racism.

Dora the Explorer

In an adventure with Boots the monkey, Dora contracts West Nile Virus as she attempts to befriend an infected squirrel.  Despite their best intentions, Backback & Boots provide Dora no solace as she endures great pain during her stay at the local hospital.  In truth, Dora comes to the realization that the inanimate objects that she has befriended, such as Backpack, Map, Pencil, Toilet Roll and Lint, are not a good substitute for being shunned by all the other children.   Realizing this, her parents purchase  her a computer and her mood improves as well as her health as she meets new friends.  Especially her new friend John who is going to fly in to her hometown and meet her at the local park at night.

Go Diego Go!

Diego is investigated by Interpol due to a gift he received by a tiger he rescued in Thailand.  The gift in question, the severed penis of a Panda, was given to him by the tiger after he rescued him from, not likely peril but at least an inconvenience.  The tiger suggested that he take the gift to the black market and he would receive a significant reward.  Additionally, the tiger said the panda would have wanted him to take his penis as Diego befriended the panda during a song involving clouds while the tiger waited for his rescue.  Unfortunately after Diego rescued the tiger, the tiger was naturally hungry therefore killed and ate the panda, except for the penis.

Did you ever notice?

Did you ever notice the sensation of eating a slice of pie is a positive one?  Weird isn't it?

Election Day

As tomorrow is election day, I thought I would share how our family participate in election day. Every year we conduct a survey with our cats to determine which snack foods they would prefer in the coming year. We think voting is very important, and even though I personally don’t vote, I think encouraging our cats to vote for snack foods makes a good role model for those that choose to waste their time on election day.

 This year, the choices for the cats will be:

1. Meow Mix Go Fish Moist Cat Treats

2. Kitty Kissers 100% Beef Liver Treats

3. A Cow

4. Week old clumps of used cat litter

5. The head of Booga (our youngest cat)

 So – tomorrow we will take an hour off from work during the time that we tell our employers that we are going to vote, we will holding cat snack elections. My wife will manage the election by supervising the votes and confirming that the cat’s all are able to vote and do not vote twice (which Mojo has been proven to do). I will of course provide live coverage of the event and will provide interviews. Later, as my wife counts the ballots, I will most likely attempt to announce the winner based on post-voting surveys before she finishes counting the ballots. Afterwards, what typically results, is that we choose to ignore the cat’s choice and decide to not buy cat treats after all.

 What happens next becomes the most annoying. Jimmy Carter will then fly to our house and demand that we respect the desires of the cats and allow democracy in our household. We will of course choose to ignore his wishes, as CNN and protesters surround our home and I usually announce martial law. We are then labeled despots and the UN votes to boycott our household as the US government trumps up 'proof' that we are housing WMD's.

Otherwise, our cats don’t really mind. Because they are just fucking cats.

IGUIYF

Here’s a question. What happens when you laugh at my pet bunny? 

Here’s the answer. I GET UP IN YO FACE. 

It’s simple isn’t it? If you don’t like my pet bunny, that is fine. I’m not going to pout. I’m not going to slouch. I’m not going to eat rocky road ice cream. But if you think you should express your feelings. That is one thing I won’t tolerate. 

IGUIYF. 

If you feel you need to tell someone about not digging my pet funny, maybe you should consult a therapist. Why not text message the local tv news hot line? They ain’t gonna care. And you know I don’t care. But I do care if you’re talking to me.

Here’s a math problem. You talking about my pet bunny + Me and my pet bunny = I GET UP IN YO FACE

Immediate Entry Level Non-Paid Internship Available

Job Title:        Bez
Position Type:        Full time, non-paid intern
Job Location:        Boulder, CO - travel will be required
Job Description:    Improvise my daily life through dance in a rave-like manner with arms motioning in the air. No direct involvement with my actual life will be expected, that includes speech though a random "Hey Hey Hey!" will be tolerated.

            Experience:  None required but must be a fast learner.  Expected to educate one self on the movement patterns of a Bez through instructional Happy Monday music videos.

Gemini Dreams

This year I 'rediscovered' a song I loved in 1981 when I was 10.  I had yet to realize the Moody Blues were a classic progressive rock band of the late 1960's with Knights in White Satin.  I think perhaps my older sister, who I found about the song from, likely was unaware of their history 10 years prior.  Especially considering she was a big ELO fan, which perhaps Moody Blues refashioned their comeback after.

On another note - why do band members play the trampoline (or cowbell) "live"? Especially considering the guy with the trampoline doesn't even have a microphone.

Rather Dissapointed

It has become the typical 'support' for when loved ones are going through surgery or through trauma to tell them "you are doing so great".  And despite being annoyed by loosely congratulating people for doing very little, I was prepared to give out props to Melissa during her C-Section.

Well, I was a bit disappointed by her performance during the operation.  In particular the way she handled the epidural.  I expected much more from her, but it wasn't just her flinching that bothered me, but her lack of enthusiasm.  Based on testimony, having a human being extracted from your body is supposed to be fun & uplifting.  She did not appear to appreciate the C-Section, did not even smile until AFTER the human was cut out of her.  Which is like not screaming until you exit the roller coaster ride, or not belching until well after eating a fine dinner.

So, on behalf of those doctors & nurses who were in the operating room (some who even blatantly lied to her by telling her she was "doing good") as well as my health insurance who graciously paid for much of this experience (which I have to say I was delighted, in particular when they sliced open her belly) I apologize on behalf of her, which I have to unfortunately say again - she is only doing mediocre.

6 Out of 7 Members of Exile Agree

They want to do it wit you Oliviad Rab.

A Story About A Guy On A Beach

A guy was walking on the beach & noticed their were only 1 set of footprints in the sand.  So he asked Jesus, "If you are always with me, how come I can only see one set of footprints?"

Jesus replies, "Jesus doesn't walk if Jesus doesn't have to.  Do you see those truck tracks behind you?"

The guy replies, "Yes I do - I didn't notice them before.  And they are getting closer..."

Jesus replies, "I drive a Hummer, and you've been Punk'd!"  as he runs over the guy.