When you see "Craptastic Review" that guarantees I am about to review a movie I thought was lame, although just HOW lame is rated by Crapstars. 1 Crapstar means I thought it was a little lame, yet watchable. 5 Crapstars equals the worst movie I have seen.
American Haunting
2 out of 5 Crapstars
I lived in Dickson, Tennessee, between 7th grade and 9th grade. During that time, I was riveting by the local legend of the Bell Witch. The Bell family was allegedly haunted by an unknown and malevolent force that created terror and havoc for the otherwise quiet family. Everyone I knew had a story about the Bell Witch, and each one simultaneously freaked me out and excited me at the same time. When I heard they were making a movie about the legend, I was STOKED.
Some reviews compared it to Sixth Sense. IMDB gave it 7 of 10 stars*. I figured, sounds good to me! We went to the drive-in to see it.
First, it was a bad idea to see it at the drive-in. Most of the story took place at night, and because it was so dark at the drive-in, it was hard to make out what was going on. Second, I grew very tired of the haunted daughter always being in bed. Had the movie been handled in the same vein as The Haunting of Emily Rose, it would have been far better.
Overall, I was disappointed. The director gave it a "spin" which linked it to modern day. It just served to give it a Freddy Kreuger feel. That pissed me off. The history was a freaky enough story without that added.
* For the record, IMDB now rates it at 5.8 stars.
Poseidon
3 out of 5 Crapstars
I loved The Poseidon Adventure (1972). I have probably seen the movie a dozen times, and every time I still love it. When I first heard that it was being remade not once but twice, I groaned. The first remake was a made-for-TV movie starring Robocop, Steve Guttenberg, and Tommy Howell. Oh yeah, and of course, Ladyhawke's canine boyfriend, Rutger Hauer. I didn't even BOTHER to watch. Maybe if Lou Diamond Philips had been cast, I might have reconsidered. I love movies where that dude gets killed in nasty ways.
But somehow I felt compelled to see the big screen remake, Poseidon. Perhaps it was because it contained a 2nd Degree McConaughey Factor. Perhaps because I had hopes of something respecful to the original. Perhaps I was smoking crack.
I haven't laughed that hard at a disaster movie in a while. It's bad when you see people falling to their death, people burning alive, dead people in piles and you can't help but LAUGH. That's how bad it was. The lines were hokey, the sentiment was hokey. The entire reason behind the film was to show how wicked awesome their CGI skills were. Minorities were "the help" and therefore expendable. The one gay character was tossed into the mix, using the SafeGay© technique--he can say he's gay, he can refer to being gay, but don't ever show him participating in a gay relationship. SafeGay!
Honestly, I didn't really care about any of the characters except 2nd Degree Mac. And that was only because he's a Mac Factor. I didn't think it was the worst movie ever. It was certainly entertaining as a comedy. It had plenty of seat-twitchy moments. But will I see it again? Not really.