The Mind of Olivia Drab presents Ollie World

SUPER HAPPY FUN ARCHIVES!

While strolling down memory lane this morning, I came upon this gem from my archives:

Humdinger Fertility Soup

2 medium-sized potatoes
1 small bag baby carrots
1/2 cup freshly squeezed pineapple juice
1 cup pineapple freshly smuggled from a small, oppressed island country
1 junior-sized bag fresh Baby Dust
1 medium Baby Dust Fairy
1 tbsp Paprika
1 tsp salt

Gently boil Baby Dust Fairy in large pot or Dutch oven until screaming stops. Reduce heat and simmer until meat is tender. Add bag of baby carrots. Cut potatoes into 1" square chunks, add to pot. Stir soup to saturate all potatoes. Simmer for 1 hour, until vegetables are soft. Add pineapple, pineapple juice, baby dust and spices. Cover pot and cook on low heat for another 30 minutes.

Serves 2.

Wine recommendation: Serves well with a fruity Beaujolais or a Chardonnay for the white wine lovers.

"The Sperm", or "Asujaak" (Thai) (2007)

File under: "Movies with Awesome Titles and Plots Which I Will Likely Never See, But Still Had to Share":

"The Sperm" ("Asujaak") (Thai) (2007)

Plot: Sutin, a teenage rock musician, masturbates gleefully, and often. Way too often. One night, flying sperm escape and impregnate local women. The babies grow into an army of little creatures with the teen's head -- and libido. Not only do the nasty little monsters think only of chicks and jerking off, they also have a distressing tendency to die at the moment of ejaculation. The city really starts to panic when aliens accidentally turn one of the spawn into a giant.

I can't decide what's funnier. The title, the plot, the poster, or the fact that IMDB says:

If you like this film, you should check out:

EWOKS: THE BATTLE FOR ENDOR

A recap of last night's episode of FastForward

In case you missed last night's episode, here's a recap of FlashForward, one of the most unintentionally funny sci-fi dramas on television:

*Testosterone-laden walking*

"Damn the man! We're doing what we want! myeh!"

*Conveniently locates one Iranian woman in a very large Asian city because she would totally go to a Persian restaurant, duh.*

*TESTOSTERONE!!!! AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!! LOTS OF GUNS POINTED AT IRANIAN WOMAN'S HEAD BECAUSE AN FBI AGENT WOULD ACT LIKE THAT AUGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!*

"...Poochscrew!"

"Hey there, we're SCIENTISTS, and we, you know, did that stuff you guys don't like."

"We need to talk to those SCIENTISTS.. you know, the SCIENTISTS, those doggone SCIENTISTS! THEY DID THOSE THINGS WE DON'T LIKE!"

"Hey, I'm a single, male ER nurse, but I IMMEDIATELY know the name of a GREAT sperm bank!"

BONUS:

In case you weren't sure, it was confirmed that yes, indeed, the intention of FF was to attract LOST fans because of the BIG, HUGE, MONDO LOST commercial strategically placed in the middle.

DAILY DOUBLE BONUS:

This post is my 500th post. *confetti!*

I was dorky, when dorky wasn't cool

I'm not sure, but I think James Cameron owes me money.

Every time I see the commercial for Avatar, I think, "Man, this really seems familiar..." I couldn't place where I'd seen these creatures before. It was like a nugget of popcorn shell stuck in your teeth. You knew it was there, just couldn't find it.

It came to me last night...Prepare yourself for awesomeness.

This picture (of me) (click to enlarge) was taken about five years ago. That's right... I thought of this awesome look five years ago, as part of an ad campaign for a frozen beverage product called "Monster Freeze" that I seriously got behind. I mean, reeeeeeally got behind it. It took me two freaking hours to apply that blue crap. And I wore it all day, at work, and to the store. I was Monster Freeze, the original Avatar, mofos.

Pay up, Jimbo.

Another year older...

My girl bits, that is. 'Tis the night before the gyno annual, and boy do I have a lot to grill the doctor about. For one, why am I still in pain all the time? And also, why do I still have a swollen belly? I mean, for crying out loud, I still look 5 months pregnant. That can't be normal 13 months postpartum, can it?

Also, I think I might be developing interstitial cystitis. You know, because endometriosis wasn't painful enough. I'm working on a pain trifecta. Endo, migraines, IC. Once I collect all three, I will be able to split atoms with my mind or something.

In honor of the 15th anniversary of my annual gyno exams, I am replaying an oldie of mine. I'm going waaay back to 2005 Archives for this one... I present:

The Infertility Game

Hey kids! It's a new, fun game from the makers of EPT Pickup Sticks!

Truth in advertising

Now this makes more sense, yes?

(This is how I spent New Year's Eve, making fake ads.)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

(ed. note: Olivia Drab in no way condones shooting at living, breathing objects.)

Happy Assvice Month!

Ah, yes, it's December. The joyous month, ripe with holiday spirit and goodwill. Whether Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice or the love of winter, if you are fertility challenged, someone is likely going to Assvice you this month. Maybe the spirit of family strikes them. Maybe cold weather makes them grumpy. Whatever the reason, it's the month of greatest incident of the Asshead Assvice*. In honor of these flatulating assheads, I declare December Assvice Month.

Here's how the game works:  For the month of December, keep a points tally for each Assvice incident you personally receive. The points are awarded as follows:

1 point (common Assvice)
Cruise/vacation-pregnancy connection
"Touch my [pregnant] belly..."
"It's in the water!"
"Just relax and it will happen."
Baby Dust is brought onto the scene
"Eat pineapple!"

2 points (less common Assvice)
"[Not me, but] I have a friend/relative/aquaintance who..." (typically followed by a tale of a someone's infertility woes and what they did that you should try)
"Obviously you haven't thought of a doctor by now..."
Recommended (probably irrelevant) reading material
"You should just adopt..."
"Just get pregnant again..." (to make up for lost pregnancy/child)
"Go to your happy place."
"At least you weren't attached."
"You shouldn't be upset at [random fertile person] just because you're bitter."

Add 1 point if the Asshead is pregnant.
Add 1 point for each child the Asshead already has.
Add 1 point if the Asshead is a troll.
Add 1 point if the Asshead is someone you just met.

Double total points for the experience if the Asshead who is Assvising you happens to be pregnant by accident. For example:

"They wanted only two kids but OOPS* #3 is on the way" Points: 1+1+1

"...and you know, if you just prayed a little harder YOU could be pregnant too." Points: 2

____________
Subtotal: 5

*OOPS!! (x2)

Total Points Earned: 10

Feel free to add "special" Assvice that I might have missed.

*Based on independent studies conducted by me and a team of brilliant social scientists known as "Other bloggers".

Olivia Drab's Hormonally-Slanted Movie Review

THEATERS
 Marie Antoinette (PG-13)
"Let them eat cake!" Well, she eats cakes. Lots of little delicious cakes. So many of them, and they are decorated so as to say, "Eaaaaaaaat me". Then she goes shopping and spends all of France's money. Then eats more cake. Oh, and I think there was a sex scene in there somewhere. My point is, I think the cakes should have had a bigger role. I think they should have passed out cakes to the audience to get the "real" experience of the movie.
B-

The Prestige (PG-13)
Christian Bale does magic. So does Hugh Jackman. For an hour and half, it is Bale and Jackman trying to outdo each other in magical hotness. Who wins? They both do... they BOTH do.
A

The Fountain (PG-13)
Hugh Jackman wears leather pants. Is a Conquistador. And also, a doctor. Also, he's a bald dude in a bubble. Director Aronofsky tries to scramble your brains in this Gilliamesque sci-fi, but just don't forget---Wolverine wears leather pants.
A+

DVD
Tristan and Isolde (PG-13)
Tristan wasn't bad, but the guy playing his brother was cuter. Also, there was a good storyline. I kept thinking, "What? Don't Irish people have cakes?"
B+

The Descent (R)
A bunch of women go into a dark cave and try to survive when there is someone or something out to get them. Sounds a lot like the waiting room at the fertility clinic. Scaaaaaary.
A

2006 Baby Names List - Celebrity Edition

Looking for an "unusual name" that is guaranteed to make your child the joke of the office park in 20-something years? Take a cue from this year's celebrity gene pool.

Parent - Child
Gerri Halloway - Bluebell Madonna (daughter)
Penn Jillette - Zolten (son) & Moxie CrimeFighter (daughter, 2005)
Nicolas Cage - Kal-El (son)
Gwyneth Paltrow/Chris Martin - Moses (son)
Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes - Suri (daughter)
Donald Trump - Barron (son)
Gwen Stefani/Gavin Rossdale - Kingston (son)
Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt - Shiloh Nouvel (daughter)

Actors I'm watching and hoping will remain sane:

Maggie Gyllenhaal & Peter Sarsgaard
Jack Black

Craptastic Movie Review

When you see "Craptastic Review" that guarantees I am about to review a movie I thought was lame, although just HOW lame is rated by Crapstars. 1 Crapstar means I thought it was a little lame, yet watchable. 5 Crapstars equals the worst movie I have seen.

American Haunting
2 out of 5 Crapstars

I lived in Dickson, Tennessee, between 7th grade and 9th grade. During that time, I was riveting by the local legend of the Bell Witch. The Bell family was allegedly haunted by an unknown and malevolent force that created terror and havoc for the otherwise quiet family. Everyone I knew had a story about the Bell Witch, and each one simultaneously freaked me out and excited me at the same time. When I heard they were making a movie about the legend, I was STOKED.

Some reviews compared it to Sixth Sense. IMDB gave it 7 of 10 stars*. I figured, sounds good to me! We went to the drive-in to see it.

First, it was a bad idea to see it at the drive-in. Most of the story took place at night, and because it was so dark at the drive-in, it was hard to make out what was going on. Second, I grew very tired of the haunted daughter always being in bed. Had the movie been handled in the same vein as The Haunting of Emily Rose, it would have been far better.

Overall, I was disappointed. The director gave it a "spin" which linked it to modern day. It just served to give it a Freddy Kreuger feel. That pissed me off. The history was a freaky enough story without that added.

* For the record, IMDB now rates it at 5.8 stars.

Poseidon
3 out of 5 Crapstars

I loved The Poseidon Adventure (1972). I have probably seen the movie a dozen times, and every time I still love it. When I first heard that it was being remade not once but twice, I groaned. The first remake was a made-for-TV movie starring Robocop, Steve Guttenberg, and Tommy Howell. Oh yeah, and of course, Ladyhawke's canine boyfriend, Rutger Hauer. I didn't even BOTHER to watch. Maybe if Lou Diamond Philips had been cast, I might have reconsidered. I love movies where that dude gets killed in nasty ways.

But somehow I felt compelled to see the big screen remake, Poseidon. Perhaps it was because it contained a 2nd Degree McConaughey Factor. Perhaps because I had hopes of something respecful to the original. Perhaps I was smoking crack.

I haven't laughed that hard at a disaster movie in a while. It's bad when you see people falling to their death, people burning alive, dead people in piles and you can't help but LAUGH. That's how bad it was. The lines were hokey, the sentiment was hokey. The entire reason behind the film was to show how wicked awesome their CGI skills were. Minorities were "the help" and therefore expendable. The one gay character was tossed into the mix, using the SafeGay© technique--he can say he's gay, he can refer to being gay, but don't ever show him participating in a gay relationship. SafeGay!

Honestly, I didn't really care about any of the characters except 2nd Degree Mac. And that was only because he's a Mac Factor. I didn't think it was the worst movie ever. It was certainly entertaining as a comedy. It had plenty of seat-twitchy moments.  But will I see it again? Not really.