[for the proper effect, read the following as told in a whisper]
I think maybe possibly I might have finally reached escape velocity away from the woes and complications of the Drab Maternity. Shhh.
[you may resume normal reading volume]
Let's chronicle the whole thing, shall we?
2002: Hey, let's have a baby!
2002-2006: Descent into Hell after time and time again pregnancy loss, invasive and non-invasive fertility treatments and Mengelesque tests are conducted, surgeries are endured, alcoholic beverages and fattening comfort foods are consumed.
2006-2007: The little pregnancy that could! Lauren is conceived and born. Pregnancy was awful and I was a nervous wreck.
2008: Finally bond with Lauren on a true level outside of constant post-miscarrier maternal freakout level where my agonizing subconscious was still so sure she was going to be a miscarriage even after she learned to smear pudding in her hair.
May 2010: Miscarriage #10
July 2010: Little pregnancy that could part deux! Veronica is conceived!
July 2010-May 2011:
- Vomitous Gallorous - Morning sickness beyond what's natural, stretching into 2nd trimester
- Placenta Previa - Placenta hangs around the cervix just long enough to freak me out, then, as if revealing a practical joke, slides away to a normal position at the last minute
- Gestational Diabetes - picks up where morning sickness leaves off, is never, ever under proper control
- Weight Gain - NILL. Every appointment I get a lecture from my OB that I'm not eating properly. It's a lose-lose. I eat "properly", blood sugar elevates. I eat to keep blood sugar on the level, weight drops. I give up and drink a ton of whole milk, eat a lot of trail mix and hamburgers. Only gain 4 lbs throughout pregnancy, decide to ignore my OB's scorn since the baby was growing.
- Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction - Think "marionette in unsightly girdle". Can't walk, dread bedtime (no comfortable positions ever). No baby will go through those gates is the general consensus. And the general consensus is right on.
- Irregular heartbeat - Baby has an arrhythmia on doppler. After many tests, arrhythmia never seen again.
- Contractions galore! - Contractions, contractions! Get your contractions here! Plenty to go around! Contractions start around 7 months and never let up.
- Early labor - Ugh. Spend a delightful evening in labor and delivery hooked up to The Machine, getting terbutaline to stave off contractions.
- True labor - Two days before c-section, labor begins. I am so used to "discomfort" that I don't even realize that's what's happening. April 10, 4:30 am, go to hospital in full-blown labor complete with bloody show and agonizing contractions that vaguely feel something like a tear in the galactic lining has allowed an alien armada to begin their genocidal sweep of all that's good. Pelvic exam reveals a mere fingertip dilation. After TWO DAYS OF CONTRACTIONS. Reiteration that baby will not exit through blocked fire exit doors. Must break hole in wall.
- C-section - Surprisingly textbook. Hm.
- Hemorrhage - OOOOOOOOOOOH MYYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOD! BLOOD EVERYWHERE! THE PAIN, OMG THE PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN! (Only Pain Scale #10 I've ever had, as Pitocin is started and a man's giant hand is enlisted to pull out giant clots.) Pretty sure I'm going to die, lots of primal moaning and swearing, blood, holy crap the blood. Blood pressure plummets. I lose more blood than I did in the c-section. Oddly, no transfusion takes place. Still amazed by that.
- Jaundice - Veronica is jaundiced. Stuck under bilirubin lights for 8 hours, we have to watch as she slowly sunburns. I can't snuggle with her. Kills me. Brad stays up with her all night while I am forced to sleep by copious amounts of drugs.
- Gallbladder from Hell - I spend an evening the emergency room as a 2mm gallstone is passed through the bile duct. Pain level exacerbated by still-healing c-section incision. Pain Scale #9. Tied for second place with endometriosis cramps at their worst.
- Mastitis - Ow. Fever. Chills. Ow.
And that brings us current. I've been given a tentative clean bill of health on both surgeries and am ready to resume normal activities. Including exercise, which I sorely need because the midriff is nothing but goo. Bleah.
But here's what I got out of it all: