The Mind of Olivia Drab

Lemon Season

Old Man Winter is starting to pack up his crap and move out. In his wake, things are beginning to flourish again. I'm not meaning flowers and plants. I'm talking about my most dreaded foe.

Spiders.

We have been spider-free in our house for seven months. Not long enough. I guess lemon juice has a half-life, because it seems to have worn off. Time to break out the spray bottle and lemon juice concentrate and hose down the house.

Ah, the citrusy smell of spiderlessness.

Who's needing a knuckle sammich? The Sequel

Gwyneth Paltrow, that's who.

Gwynnie has been an archnemesis of TMoOD for quite a while. I think she's a condescending and snotty piece of work, and she gives her children completely ridiculous names. Apple and Moses, I apologize for your mother's insanity. Oh, wait. I am so ashamed of myself. Please forgive me. Gwynnie isn't insane. She's enlightened and brilliant, and I'm a lazy slob who can't think herself out of a wet paper bag, much less THE BOX.

Have you heard of her new venture, Goop? It's a completely pretentious site that tells you things you should do if you were golden awesomeness like Queen Gwyn. Or have a jillion dollars to blow. "Affordable" shoes, for example don't have to cost a billion dollars to look good. Just a million. That's like a total 90% off sale! OMG!

"I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it."  Paltrow said she believes some of the barbs simply stem from the fact that she's doing something new and different. "I think that people like people to stay in their 'box' – they like people to stay how they are comfortable seeing them."

She also has some show, On the Road Again, or something like that, where she rides around flapping her lips, which mostly amounts to "uh-huh?" and posing her lips like a STARLET.

I can barely contain my bile.

Rant #548798: The Garbage We're Expected to Feed Our Children

We go to a nice restaurant. The menu is chock full of gourmet selections that include words such as "foccacia", "cilantro-lime butter" and "braised with the essence of woodland fires (which I assume were set by magic fairy chefs)". The adults have a very hard time deciding which of these colorful descriptors sound more vaguely scrumptious.

The kids' menu, on the other hand typically contains the following choices...

1. (FRIED) Chicken Tenders (as if the insertion of the word, "tenders," makes it suddenly light and delicate on the palette, rather than a fried chicken greaseball)
2. Hot Dog (oh yeah, pig noses and chicken guts, exactly what a growing kid needs)
3. Spaghetti (only resembles a true plate of spaghetti in the loosest definition--it is pasta and a flavorless, spiceless tomato sauce. That's where the resemblance ends.)
4. Macaroni and Cheese (I realize Mac & Cheese is considered a "vegetable" at some family-style slop buffets, but in reality, it's fat and dough, with a particle of calcium. Not a healthy, well-balanced meal.)
5. Hamburger (Grease)
6. Pizza (not the kind with vegetables)
7. Corn Dog (corn-coated, deep-fried pig noses and chicken guts)

Why is it that kids' menus rarely contain even ONE healthy item? I understand that kids tend to be picky, but what causes that? Possibly that we feed them crap all the time? Would it kill restaurants to include grilled chicken, veggie burgers, baked fish, ANYTHING of healthful substance? You can still include the garbage, but it would be nice to have the OPTION of giving our kids something that doesn't prematurely destroy their arteries (without having to pay full adult menu prices).

Just another day

I had my CT scan on a Tuesday morning. It was not unlike a million other tests I'd had done in the last 7 or so years. I had to drink a disgusting chalk contrast beverage (they called it a Berry Smoothie) the night before and the morning of the CT, so my appetite was satiated. Mmm, mmm, good.

On the walk to the machine, I had a poignant conversation with the tech about the "Berry Smoothie". I asked why they didn't attempt "chocolate" or "vanilla". It might be better than "berry". She said that they also had "apple" but it tasted like shampoo. It sounds like whomever is in charge of flavoring the contrast solution should be fired. "Shampoo" or "Chalk-drowned berries" aren't good options. I suppose the theory is that if you are drinking their swill, you are already petrified of test results, so what's a little tastebud torture?

I got comfy on the CT bed and the tech started to run an IV in my right arm (the good arm). She poked, stabbed, dug and begged, but couldn't get the needle in the vein. I kept trying to reassure her that I was ok, but really, I would have loved to punch her in the nose and run the IV myself. "Oh, my! You're a good bleeder!" Yeah, well I bet you are, too. KAPOW!

After going to the left arm and successfully stabbing a vein, we got the party started.

The giant donut clicked on and began to whir and spin. I thought that maybe it would catapult me into the future, or less savory, my past. I closed my eyes and thought about a Van Halen concert, circa 1984. Alas, it was no time machine. I opened my eyes and I was still there, in that small and seemingly sterile room, on my back, my right arm throbbing, left arm impaled by an IV.

"Are you ok?" the tech asked. I grumbled a "fine" and the procedure continued.

Then came the IV contrast. Now, she had warned me of a "rare" reaction that some people have, although it hardly ever happens, won't happen to you, blah blah blah. Of course, it would happen to me. "You could break out in hives."

Guess what happened next?

HIVES!

I had to lay prone for the next twenty minutes until the IV Benedryl started to fight the giant, itchy, red whelps.

The results of the scan? Nothing out of the ordinary going on. "Normal". Absolutely no indication of what is going on in there. Did you expect anything else? "The tests have indicated nothing wrong (nevermind the major pains that are obvious indicators of something dastardly going on)."

The next step? Laparoscopy, someday. For now, I will just deal with it until Lauren is older.

Call to duty

Folks, a terrifying prospect is on the horizon. Krispy Kreme is an endangered species. The projection is that they may not survive '09, and if that happens, and KK goes out of business, the world will lose a treasure.

If you've never had the divine joy that is a Krispy Kreme donut, you have no idea what you are missing. Yes, donuts in general are wonderful little nuggets of happiness in a sugary package. However, eating a simple fresh, hot original glazed Krispy Kreme is a sublime event. Pair it with a cup of black coffee and you have a dynamic duo. Add the remaining 11 donuts to make a dozen and you have a meal.

We lost the carrier pigeon. We lost the Cuban spider monkey. We cannot allow Earth to lose Krispy Kreme, too. Do your part as a citizen of the human race and save the Krispy Kreme. I know I will be.

Who's needing a knuckle sammich?

The winner is Angelina Jolie. She's prepping her body for another pregnancy as we speak.

Let's go back and listen to what Angie had to say in 2006:

"I even think that I did make it clear that we, we would think about adopting next, which is important for me in the balance of how -- in our own family, our kids perceive it," Jolie said.

"I want Madd to know that as our family grew and we all came together, we didn't just start having children, biological children," she said.

"You know, that, that yes, we have Shiloh and it's been a wonderful experience, but we want to find another brother or sister in the world for our family."

And then she went on to turn her uterus into the baby-making equivalent of a pasta machine.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against someone's desire to have a trillion womb-babies, if the womb allows it. And I'm not saying she should only adopt. What I am saying is that she needs to just shut up because she's getting on my nerves.

Cystoscopy Day

It was .... interesting. The procedure itself wasn't the worst I've ever had, but it still sucked. The good news is the endo hasn't EATEN THROUGH THE BLADDER WALL. Everything looks pretty good, actually, as far as the bladder wall is concerned. So yay for that!

The bad news is that I have to have other procedures now to find out what IS going on. Next step is a CT scan with contrast dye that runs through the kidneys (same one that Lauren had). They noted that my left kidney wasn't active. Doesn't mean that it's not working, but it does mean that they want to do the CT scan to make sure the kidney is alive. Possible chance that I have the same kidney condition Lauren had. Same side, even.

The OTHER bad news is that she couldn't find my IUD string. Not cool. Three things could be responsible. One, that it has lodged itself in the ute wall, or two, that it fell out. Neither one is a good thing, although the "lodged in the ute wall" is the worst. The third option is that she simply couldn't see it. Obviously, I'm hoping for that one.

The next step is I meet with my gyno to check the IUD. If it is still in place, I go to the CT. We take it from there.

Fun times.

"Lost" in thought

If you aren't up-to-date on Lost, but you watch the show, I am probably going to be throwing out spoilers here. However, if you ARE up-to-date and want to play along, I welcome all theories.

Ready?

Ok.

Ellie. One of the Others. It seems very obvious that Ellie is Eloise Hawking, the older lady who has randomly appeared (most recently to whom Ben confesses that he has lost Hurley.)

But WHO is she? She knows Widmore, since turns out he's an Other, too. How well did she know him?

Three theories:
1. She is Daniel Faraday's mother. Perhaps Widmore is Daniel's father? After all, Widmore is Daniel's benefactor, for some reason.

• If so, where was Daniel born? As we know, pregnant women have a serious case of dying on the island, so chances are, he wasn't conceived or born on the island.
• Why doesn't he have an English accent if he was raised by his mother? Was he raised in the US, or in England? He is a professor at Oxford, so it is a tossup.
• Daniel named his lab rat "Ellie". Nerd naming his rat after Mommy?

2. She is Widmore's wife or ex-wife, and thus Penny's mother.
3. She is Charlotte's mother. This theory is the one I like. Charlotte never saw Ellie. Had she seen Ellie, perhaps that would have been her "constant" and the bleeding/aneurysm would have stopped. If she is Charlotte's mother, who is the father?

• Widmore: she would be Penny's half-sister (or perhaps full sister)
• Faraday: He just said he loved Charlotte, didn't say he was IN love with her. He's never kissed her or made a move, maybe she is his daughter? We know he's been in the past before (the building of the Orchid station), perhaps he knew Ellie better? If he'd never met Charlotte when she was young though, he could never be her constant. He's certainly been protective of her, which could mean anything, romantic or paternal.
• Daniel named his lab rat "Ellie". Nerd naming his rat after his lost love?
• Obviously, something is different about Charlotte. She is the only one of the time trippers that is having an aneurysm (unless the other trippers start having them in future eps).

Feel free to jump in.