Look out kids, she's gonna blow!!!

I was listening to a local pop radio station this morning, and there was a segment called Adultress Abbey’s Advice. "Abbey", a telephone guest (masked by voice disguiser), had made a CAREER out of dating married men. She had decided to change her evil ways and in her first attempt at atonement, came on to give “tips” to women on how to prevent their men from cheating on them or leaving them. Several tips I partially agreed with because while it was true, it was a double standard because there’s a lot of the tips that should apply to men, too.

However, I thought I’d share one of her “tips” that really pissed me off. It was 25% Truth, 75% Bullshit. It doesn’t make any allowances for these men to evolve out of the caves. It EXCUSES them. And because I am a blabbermouth, I also added my REACTION to it.

[NOTE: If you are a guy who reads this, and this doesn't apply to you, then you are one of the good ones. I sincerely hope you feel very appreciated by your mate. I also hope it applies to ALL of you guys out there. Do guys, other than Brad, read my blog? Also, Brad, this is NOT about you, I am just reacting to the BONEHEADS who called in the radio station.]

Her Tip #9: Do anything you can to maintain your image, Get your body back in the shape it was when your man first met you.

My Reaction: *rolls up sleeves*

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.

Let’s cut to the chase: we didn’t all start out looking like Angelina Jolie. Yes, it would be LOVELY if that could happen. It would make everyone happy. You’d feel better about yourself and blah blah blah. This is one topic that horrifies me. And even if you DID start out looking that good, how many years has it been since the two of you met?

Women’s bodies SUCK. Let’s get this fact out of the way first. WOMEN’S BODIES SUCK!!! They do crap we have no control over. We have a million hormones that are driving clown cars and they are crashing all over the place, into each other, into our brains, into our emotions and nervous centers.

On top of that, the bastard hormones play havoc on our abilities to burn fat. The reason is why you guys like women in the first place—we store fat. It’s where we get the tits, boneheads. It’s why we have curvy hips. It’s why mudflaps on semis are silhouettes of hourglass women. Our bodies are made to stretch, bend, push, pull and reverse all over the place. Ever stretch your favorite sock out of shape? It never goes back to the way it was, does it? Well, imagine every single month of your life your body bloats, swells and then the water weight goes away. The body stretches. And sometimes it takes a long damn time to go back, if ever. Sometimes the body changes shapes permanently, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst.

I wish that men could live for one day of their lives as a woman—on a day where you have bloating, your boobs hurt, 1st day of a period, a case of PMS that is still hanging around, you want to cry about every little thing, and have the urge to eat everything in site. We do the best we can to corral these insane situations, and STILL we have to jump through hoops to keep a guy from destroying our hearts and self-esteem by fucking another woman? No. Sorry. I am not subscribing to this. That whole “hunt and gather” theory is crap, too. We are not cave dwellers who need to go out and spread the seed to keep mankind alive. If you still want to live the caveman lifestyle, go live in a fucking cave without your TV. Evolve.

Look at the curves of your woman’s body and love every single one of them, not just the boobs, and relish every change those curves take. And for the love of god, don’t make her feel bad about how her body looks when she already feels like shit. When you love how she looks, so does she. And most likely it will make her feel so good, that she will start looking better and better every day.

Oh, and there are plenty of men out there who will easily criticize a woman’s appearance, while their own bellies hang out over their belt. It’s true that there are women out there who reject a man when his body starts to change. Those women need to check themselves too. No double standards allowed.

I wish all of our bodies had only four functions: eat, sleep, shit and reproduce.

Damn, wouldn’t that be nice?

Comments

[akeeyu]

Hormones in clown cars! Bwahahaha!

Oh, I love you.

And I hate people who say or imply that if you're just attractive enough, your husband won't cheat on you. What a crock of shit. Hot women still have unfaithful husbands. It happens.

I just loathe that "blame the cheated on" mentality. "Get on that treadmill! Pick up that rice cake! Call that plastic surgeon! Earn your husband's devotion, because you know, after your butt gets big and he cheats on you, you'll have only yourself to blame when you end up on Springer being told that he's sleeping with your sister!"

Gah. Stupid radio bint.

[Tiffanni]

Oh Ollie, you're the shit, you know that, right?
I will never look at a sock the same.

[Donna]

I agree, this is just utter bullshit. Some of the most beautiful women in the world have been cheated on (Halle Berry and Cindy Crawford come to mind). Harrumph. Don't even get me started about double standards. You ARE the shit. Definitely.

[Brad]

Fortunately it helps that she's still hot ;)

[Tiffanni]

AWWWWW!!!!

[Molly]

Your husband just totally earned a blowjob.

[Ollie]

Yeah, he completely did.

[Kate]

Amen sister!

[Kym]

Good for you!! It is a load of BS that someone would suggest that our bodies are the reason a husband might cheat. Odds are he has a belly and is losing his hair so why should he feel so righteous??? You're right on every point, sister!

And you're too cute, Brad! What a sweetie. Ollie - do a good job, OK? He deserves it. (Brad - you should now e-mail all of your friends to tell them how they can get their very own BJ! Point out that it was a woman's idea and all the other women agreed - you might be able to charge money for this secret!)

[Stacy]

This is a great post. I hate that we make excuses for bad behavior when someone cheats. I also hate it when they say your husband would not cheat if you would have sex with him more often. I have to say one of the things that makes me desire my husband is that when he sees me naked he always says something nice about my figure. I recently gained abut 15 pounds thanks to an IVF cycle and he acts like he has not noticed. He still tells me how beautiful I am and what a great body he thinks I have. Believe me I am no super model but just knowing he thinks I am still sexy makes me want to be with him and makes me much less self-conscious.

[Sandy]

Great post! I firmly believe you're either a cheater or you're not. That's how I got out of my first mistake - he cheated on me. With a woman who was almost twice my size, so there goes that theory eh? Oh well. I saw him at Christmas time - placing flyers under windshield wipers at the local Walmart for extra money, and looking decidedly like Homer Simpson. Meantime, my honey loves me exactly where and how I am, tells me I'm beautiful every day ~ and I have gained almost 50 lbs since we first met!

[Stephanie]

I totally agree .. some men just can't stay faithful .. it has nothing to do with their wives waistlines. Heck any man you have to look perfect to keep them from cheating on you well you don't really want to stay married to him anyways.

[susan]

What a load of crap. Let me just share this. My best friend is a BARBIE DOLL. She not only works out 2 hours a day, she also teaches a class called "Body Pump" every day on her lunch hour - instead of eating. That's right. She's 6 feel tall with blond hair down to her ass, weighs a lean, toned 120 and has a perfect round ass you could bounce a quarter off of.

Last month she called me in tears because she caught her husband of 1 year and 1 month cheating on her.

So, please. Tell this dumb cunt to shut the fuck up with her, "have a perfect body and your man will be true" bullshit.

I've NEVER had a perfect body and I've never had a man who cheats. Wanna know why? Because my guys aren't "prize driven" you know the type - always looking for the next big challenge, the next best toy.

THAT's the type of man who cheats people. Let's see if we can stop blaming the victim here. When a husband cheats it's because he hasn't grown the maturity to exercise self control, not because his wife's body isn't perfect. Just look at Hollywood. Some of those women are "perfect" and their husbands still cheat.

[Libby]

I heard that on the way to work too. I couldn't listen. It pissed me off too bad.

[Jeans Mommy]

I couldn't agree more!!!!

[Scarlett Cyn]

Will all of you just look? Brad is doing "the Snoopy Happy Dance"! He's a good fella, definetly deserving of a blow job!

Ollie? I was gonna make some fantastic comment, but really? I can't top what you just posted, so I'm gonna LINK IT INSTEAD!

I LOVE ME SOME OLLIE...... BIGTIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Emily]

First, your hubby is such a sweetie :)

Second, it's a load of horseshit, a mile deep, that men only cheat because you let yourself become slatternly. When I got married I was a tiny, toned size 4, now, I'm in double digits and what I don't need is some snatch, who preys on other people's husbands to tell me that my too large of an ass is a reason for my husband. It's an excuse. I was married to a cheat and ready? IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. He's a low life motherfucker. I feel bad for letting myself go, but I'll bet this dumb cunt didn't have infertility to deal with. I didn't sit down and say to my wonderful husband, "Well now that we're married, me thinks I should gain 40 pounds." I was 'hoping' for those 40 pounds to come for only 9 months, not from fucking fertility drugs that did absolutely nothing for me. I have to enough to deal with emotionally right now just hoping to find a place where I can believe that I'm more than the negative sum of my reproductive parts. I don't need seriously character flawed bints like her espousing cliches. Talk about living in a glass house.